So apparently, it’s been exactly four years since our long talk. I didn’t remember. Facebook reminded me of the posts I made that day, which reminded me of you.
I’m in a good place. And here, four years later, I want to thank you.
Because of you, I’ve learned a lot.
I’ve learned to be more frugal with my emotions. I don’t open up as easily, and I think that’s good. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and pour myself out to anyone who would listen.
I’ve learned to be more weary and to be suspicious. I’m no longer the naive little girl you took for granted. I don’t just take things for what they seem anymore, because you tricked me.
It wasn’t all bad though. You introduced me to some great bands. You gave me some great stories to tell.
I haven’t talked to you in probably 3 and a half years. I doubt you still think of me. You were the first guy to ever “reciprocate” my feelingsFalling for you and having my heart broken for the first time was a transforming experience.
Don’t get me wrong, you’re still an asshole for what you did to me. But I’m in a good place about it.
Fuck our society that shames mental illness, and fuck every person and every thing that has ever made me feel too ashamed to take antidepressants.
I have been on the antidepressant Trintellix for seven days as of this afternoon. Trintellix begins to take effect within three to five days, and will take full effect over the course of the coming months.
I’v lived with Major Depressive Disorder and an underlying anxiety disorder for six years, but seven days on an antidepressant has changed my life drastically.
For the first time in six years, I genuinely giggled. I didn’t fake a laugh because everyone else was laughing, or have a brief laugh at a witty joke. I was singing a long to a song in the car and acting like an idiot, and had a fit of giggles.
For the first time in six years, I genuinely felt joy. I was siting in my car and my eyes started to water because I felt so normal. I felt okay again.
For the first time in six years, I feel genuinely motivated. I actually want to be around my friends and pursue new interests. I want to live my life to the fullest extent.
For the first time in one year, I have gone an entire week without thinking about dying and without having a day with extreme depressed mood.
For the first time in six years, I genuinely feel free. I don’t know how to describe it other than feeling light. It feels as if for the past six years I’ve been carrying around a backpack full of weights, and it’s suddenly been dropped. My mental illness isn’t gone—and it may never be—but I don’t feel hindered by it anymore. I physically and mentally feel free, and that’s solely because I’m on medication.
So let me reiterate:
Fuck our society that shames mental illness, and fuck every person and every thing that has ever made me feel too ashamed to take antidepressants.
